Cups of Tea
by Catsafari
Summary: A collection of modern human!AU oneshots, centring around The Cat Returns characters as they stumble through ordinary, human life. Ongoing.
1. Halloween: Guardians of the Bureau

"_It was a week before Halloween, and all through the flats, the creatures were stirring, even the rats..."_

x

Chapter 1: Halloween: Guardians of the Bureau

_[31.10.14]_

Over the Bureau Apartments, evening was softly falling. Through the cream curtains, sunlight was dropping away to give way for the gentle glow of the electric lamps. The flat was silent, save for the tell-tale whistle of the kettle boiling.

Humbert von Gikkingen – known to most friends as simply Baron – emptied the steaming water into a tea pot and stirred in his most recent blend of tea. Even though he had been working all day at the Tea House, he could never grow tired of the beverage. Even if one of his friends would constantly complain about his love of 'boiled grass'.

Content that the tea had been left for long enough to stew, Baron poured the contents into a mug, dropping a sliver of milk in, and picked up the finished product. Tea in hand, he selected a book from one of his extensive bookcases, and moved to the sofa to read. This was the life – tea in one hand, a book in the other... Nothing could stop him from enjoying a peaceful evening–

A series of heavy-handed knocks interrupted that thought.

He glanced over to the door, watching the handle twitch as his visitor tried to enter. He shook his head and returned his attention to his book. They would leave soon enough – and, anyway, he was just getting to the good part of the story–

"Open up, Baron! We know yer in there! We heard the kettle boiling."

The young man closed his eyes in defeat. There were pros and cons to having friends for neighbours, and this was an annoying example. "Okay," he called. He filed a bookmark at his page and opened the door to his visitor – or, as he discovered, _visitors_.

The first man – the one responsible for almost breaking Baron's door down – was large. This wasn't an unkind thing to say, but merely an inescapable fact. He often liked to remind people that they should never trust a skinny chef, in which case no one should have any problem trusting his cooking. He elbowed past Baron, stepping straight into the flat as if it were a second home. By the amount of time he spent there, it might as well have been.

He gave a disgruntled glance to the cup in Baron's hand. "Tea again, Baron? Don't ya ever get sick of that stuff?"

Baron raised an eyebrow and, as smoothly as he was able with the mug in one hand and the book under his other arm, motioned to his flat. "Why don't you come in, Muta, it's _so_ good to see you, and I'm fine, thank you for asking," he managed, with only the faintest whiff of sarcasm. He nodded his greeting to the other visitor, who was still hanging about in the doorway. "Evening, Toto."

Where Muta was wide, Toto was thin; this was just one of the many differences between the two men. Baron had often wondered how the two managed to live in the same flat together without bloodshed, but somehow they did grudgingly get along.

"Hey, Baron. Sorry about this–"

"No, we're not," Muta corrected.

Baron gestured for his two unexpected guests to take a seat. "What is this about?"

"Well, it's a week before Halloween," Toto started.

"And the whole apartment is talking about a party," Muta finished.

Toto glared at his flatmate. "I was talking."

"Not fast enough, slowcoach."

Baron pinched the bridge of his nose and motioned for them to settle down. "I don't see quite what this has to do with me–"

"Well, fatso here–"

"Hey!"

"–got the bright idea of a group theme," Toto said, automatically ignoring the larger man's complaint. "We don't know what theme, yet, but we just wanted to see if you were interested."

"The girls have already said yes," Muta added. He checked the time. "In fact, we told them to meet us here about now, so..."

"Are we late?"

On cue, two young women arrived at the open doorway. Both were in their mid-twenties; one was taller, with her dark hair tied back in a long ponytail, while the shorter one had her lighter hair cut about her chin, and carried a slightly more athletic build. The taller one leant in and immediately spotted the kettle, which was still steaming slightly.

"Oh – are we too late for tea?"

"You're both obsessed," Muta grumbled.

"No, Haru, I can easily make another cup," Baron reassured, glaring once to his largest visitor. "So I hear that we have plans for a themed Halloween? Milk in your tea?"

"As always," Haru answered. "And, yeah – a themed Halloween seemed like a good idea at the time – are you up for it?"

"It depends on the theme."

"I was thinking... Power Rangers!" The shorter girl leapt into a pose, firing off badly-executed karate chops.

"Hiromi, no," Haru shot down. "We discussed this."

"Why not?"

"Why not? Firstly, every other group and their mother will be doing the same idea and, two, I want to make an outfit, not buy one."

"You're such a spoilsport." Hiromi made a face at her flatmate and collapsed onto a sofa. "Heya, boys. So – what are your ideas then?"

"I thought of doing a theme, isn't that enough?" Muta grunted.

"Don't push him, Hiromi," Toto cackled. "He's used his brain enough today."

"Why, you–"

"Not in my flat, thank you very much." Baron gave a warning look to the pair and took a seat at one of the armchairs. Haru sat in the other armchair, as Hiromi had already taken the last place on the sofa, collapsing between Toto and Muta. "What about a literary theme?" Baron suggested. "We could do _The Wonderful Wizard of Oz_."

"Too twee," Muta complained.

"Disney Princesses!" Hiromi cried. She looked over the rest of the room's occupants, perhaps suddenly realising that only two out of five were young women. "And princes," she added. "I bagsy Merida!" She grinned to her flatmate. "You should be Belle, Haru. You have your nose in books often enough."

Haru blushed, not unhappy with the suggestion, but she still rebuffed Hiromi's idea with, "As great as that would be, the Disney Princes aren't exactly as individual as the Princesses."

"Anyway, who would the fatso be?" Toto chuckled.

Hiromi thought this through, evidently not deterred by this challenge. "The Beast is pretty large..." she eventually concluded.

"Hiromi!" Haru demanded.

"What?"

"I'm Belle, remember?" Haru and Muta caught each other's eye, scowled, and quickly looked away. "It'd be awkward."

"We could go as superheroes," Toto suggested, moving the conversation swiftly on.

"Guardians of the Galaxy!" Muta and Hiromi cried at the same time, fistpumping the air. They laughed at their shared idea.

"Jinx."

"Double-jinx."

"You can't double jinx a jinx," Muta whined.

"At my school you could. Double-jinx, no take backs, no returns." She punched his shoulder, not too lightly either. "I want to be Rocket."

"No way–" Muta grimaced as Hiromi punched his shoulder again. He moved further away, although the sofa was fast running out of space. "There are six obvious characters from Guardians – Quill, Rocket, Drax, Groot, Gamora, and Nebula. You two girls should be Gamora and Nebula."

The two young women burst into very vocal protests.

"Just wait a second–"

"What even makes you think–"

"All I'm saying is that it'd make sense," Muta muttered. "The stick insect over there–" he waved towards Toto at the far end of the sofa "–would be a good Groot, Baron would be the obvious choice for Quill, and I..." He hesitated, and finished with, "I would fill the role of Drax best."

"I think our best option for this," Baron smoothly interjected, before Muta could be torn to shreds by the two young women, "would be to make this completely random. Say, we put names into a hat and whichever one we pick will be our outfits for the Halloween party." He turned to Haru and Hiromi. "Would that be fair?"

Haru shrugged. "I'd think so. Hiromi?"

The other girl huffed. "Fine."

ooOoo

In the end, they settled on five possible characters – the main five Guardians. Baron found a hat – a top hat owned by his grandfather that generally lived on the hat stand – and the five names were dropped into it. Toto was the first to go, picking out a scrap of paper and staring down at the badly-scribbled name scrawled across it. "Muta, your handwriting is terrible."

"Shut up and tell us who you are."

"Drax."

"What?! I wanted to be him!"

Toto grinned and waved the sheet in front of the other man. "Too bad. Looks like I'm the one who's going to be playing with facepaint this Halloween."

"Children, the lot of you," Hiromi scoffed, dipping her hand into the hat. "Aha! Quill – yes! Leather jacket and guns for me!"

Haru leant forward and hooked the hat out of her friend's hold. She held it out to Baron and they both took a piece at the same time. "If you really wanted guns, you should have been Rocket," Haru said.

"I _wanted_ to be Rocket," Hiromi reminded her. "Who are you two?"

Baron opened up his paper, raising an eyebrow at his character. "I would be Rocket, it would seem."

"That leaves Gamora and Groot," Haru muttered.

"What's wrong with Gamora anyway?" Muta demanded.

"Nothing, but most of her outfits are pretty skimpy. How would you feel about being Gamora?"

"Hello? I'm a guy?"

"And I'm a girl, but I would happily dress up as Quill or Groot," Haru returned. She opened up her sheet, and smirked. "Talking of which, it would appear _I_ am Groot." She smoothed out the paper and deliberately held it up so the largest visitor could see. "You, sir, are Gamora."

ooOoo

"Oh, come on, Chicky – please, can't you just swap and I'll owe you a favour?" Muta trailed after the brunette in desperation. "Please – please – please–"

Haru snapped and turned around to the huge man. "Muta, this," she hissed, motioning to the bookshelves lining the walls, "is a library."

"I know," he huffed in exasperation. "I can read – it blooming said library across the entrance."

"Good. Then perhaps you'll remember that most people enjoy browsing our books in peace. Not for _butas_ like you to nag me over some stupid costume arrangement."

"Aw, come on, Chicky–"

"This is my _job_, Muta – I _work_ here. You can't just come swanning in whenever you want a chat or something–"

"You just look after books. How much effort can it be?"

"Don't make me throw you out," she warned.

He chuckled and rose to his full height, for he wasn't just round, but tall also. "I'd like to see you try."

ooOoo

"Ow – ow – ow – lettgo of my ear!"

Haru released Muta and dumped him on the stone steps of the library. "Next time you come around, you better be here to take out a book!"

ooOoo

In Muta and Toto's shared flat, the two occupants were awoken by a busy knocking on their front door. Muta rolled over in his bed and pulled up a clock. "It's morning," he muttered. "Who freaking visits on a Saturday morning?"

The knocking persisted with the kind of stubborn attitude that implied the visitor wasn't going to leave until the door was opened.

Muta slammed his fist against the wall separating his and Toto's rooms. "Answer the door, lazybum!"

"You answer it!" Toto shouted back. "I'm sleeping!"

"Nice try! You should have thought of that before speaking!"

"How do you know I don't talk in my sleep?" There was a loud bang as Toto hammered on his side of the wall. "Get up and answer it yourself, fatso!"

"Why should I?"

"I can sleep through your snoring. I can perfectly well sleep through knocking."

Muta grumbled and rose unsteadily to his feet, dragging on a dressing gown and stumbling into the shared living room. "All right, I'm coming, stop yer yammering," he groused. He turned the lock and opened the door to see a familiar brunette. "What the heck are you doing up at this time of the morning, Chicky?"

"This time of the morning?" Hiromi echoed. "It's past eleven."

"It's the weekend. What do you want?"

"One of you guys used to do toy modelling, right?"

"You'll be wanting the stick insect then," Muta yawned. "Hey, birdbrain! It's for you!"

"Just sign for the package and let me sleep," Toto could be heard to grumble from the next room.

"It's a girl."

There was the sound of someone falling over and Toto appeared a moment later from his room, hair stuck up at all angles and a slight limp from when he had fallen out of bed. "Who the heck would be calling at this – oh, it's just you."

The young woman bristled. "Just me? At least I don't look like I've just been dragged through a bush backwards." She prodded Toto's side. "You used to do toy modelling, right?"

"Right. So what?" The tall man bit back a yawn and started to straighten out his hair half-heartedly.

"So you would have some superglue and paint and suchlike, right?"

"Right," he echoed.

There was a pause.

"So... can I borrow it?" Hiromi prompted.

"Is this about the Halloween costume?"

"Of course."

"And this couldn't have waited until a civilised hour?"

Hiromi raised an eyebrow at the pair. "This hour is only uncivilised to the likes of you. If you must know, I've already been out for a run, showered, and breakfasted – all the while you two have been obliviously snoring."

"Wow, Haru is so lucky to have such an active flatmate," Muta deadpanned.

"Oh, she could sleep through an earthquake," Hiromi said, waving the comment away. "So, can I have the stuff?"

"I guess so." Toto motioned tiredly to the living room-kitchen. "I'm not sure where I packed the stuff away, so make yourself at home."

"But not too much," Muta interceded. "The fridge is off-bounds."

"Why? Have you got a head in there or something?"

"No," Toto called as he disappeared into a cupboard. "Muta doesn't share food."

"_Ever_," the large man emphasised.

"Can I make myself a drink?"

"Only if you like coffee. We don't have any tea here."

"What about hot chocolate?"

"Try the top left cupboard."

"These are just sachets." Hiromi turned the rather battered collection stuffed into a cup, and glanced pointedly to the dark-haired man. "Did you take these from the school staffroom?"

"If they paid decent wages to teach, I wouldn't have to scrounge for freebies," he grumbled.

"Toto, that's stealing."

"Any more than taking toilet roll from the hotel you work out?"

"... Touché."

"What part of your costume even needs superglue and paint?" he asked as he passed across the requested items. "All you needed, as you put it earlier, is a red leather jacket and a gun."

"I need something to make a gun, don't I?" Hiromi returned. "Anyway, Haru wants me to try to make the mask for Quill too – plus she needs this stuff for her Groot outfit."

"If she's having a hard time putting together Groot's costume, she could always swap with me," Muta offered hopefully.

"Keep dreaming, boyo."

"I would be, if you hadn't woken me up," he grumbled.

Hiromi grinned impishly and skipped back to the door; she paused in the corridor and turned to the occupants. "Oh, and Haru wants you to know that if you badger her in the library again, she'll freaking kick your ass. Understand?" She gave an innocent smile and saluted loosely to the two roommates. "See ya later, boys."

ooOoo

There was the scurry of not-so-small mice creeping about on the apartment hallway. Still trying to finish his book – and sensing that it wasn't going to happen this side of Halloween – Baron turned his ear to the slightly muffled, but not altogether indistinguishable, hiss of conversation outside of his flat.

Or, to be more precise, on the other side of his door.

However, instead of getting up to investigate, he merely smiled and turned the next page of his book.

There was the sharp footfall of someone not tiptoeing about outside his room, which stopped where the whispering voices – and occasional chuckle – was originating from. There was a very audible sigh.

"Guys... what _are_ you doing?"

"Shush–" Toto could be heard to not-so-subtly hiss.

"Keep yer trap shut, Chicky. We're going to scare Baron."

Haru's laugh echoed straight through the wall. "Are you?" she eventually managed to giggle. "Really? With half a tarnished bedsheet and a torch? Good luck with that."

"Well, if you've got any better ideas, we'd love to hear them," Muta snapped back waspishly. Evidently this idea had been his.

Baron heard a soft thump as Haru leant against the wall, opposite the cleaning cupboard for that hallway. "Like I'd waste my good ideas on one of your stupid pranks."

"It's not stupid."

"Every year, we try to scare Baron, and every year it fails," Toto muttered.

"Oh, please, like the time you recorded 'scary' noises" – and Haru motioned speech marks with her hands to wordlessly tell them what she thought of it – "and set it onto a cassette player beneath his bed, only for him to find it and hide it in your flat instead? Yeah, that wasn't one of your better ideas."

"Could you keep your voice down? Baron could hear us at any moment!"

At Toto's whispered plea, Baron decided it was time to end the charade. He picked up the remote control that was lying on the nearby table, and flicked the on switch.

In the hallway outside, the cleaning cupboard door slammed open, a skeleton reared out, and the two full-grown men ran screaming down the corridor. Baron listened to their hysteria with one of his rare smiles that Haru liked to call Cheshire Cat smiles.

Haru, upon trying Baron's door and discovering it unlocked, opened it and leant against the doorframe, one eyebrow raised.

Baron quickly shut down his Cheshire Cat smile and buried his nose back into his book.

Haru hoisted the skeleton – plastic bones connected to a contraption that had propelled it out of the cupboard and all – up for him to see, if he dared raised his gaze. "Baron," she started, "how old are you?"

He kept his eyes trained on the page, and then glanced slowly to the brunette. He hesitated, and then – deciding that she wasn't asking for an actual age – settled for, "I'm guessing the correct answer here is, old enough to know better?" He tried to smile in what he hoped was an innocent and endearing manner.

Some of it must have worked, because the edge of Haru's lips flickered upwards. She visibly bit the smile back, turning away and strategically covering her mouth with her hand to hide the evidence. He could see her cheeks twitching as she fought back laughter.

"And how long, pray tell," she managed in a surprisingly level voice, "have you been planning this?"

"About a week," he admitted. "No, I lie. A week and a half." He frowned. "I think I had the idea last Halloween, actually. Anyway, you heard what they said," he added defensively, motioning to the empty corridor where Muta and Toto had earlier fled from. "They always try to frighten me at this time of the year."

"Because you always retaliate."

Baron opened his mouth, struggled to find a returning argument, and gave up. "If I offered you some of my special blend of tea, would that change anything?"

"Put the kettle on, and we'll see." Haru swung herself into an armchair, dropping her bag from her shoulder as she went. "Actually, I did come here asking for a favour." She hoisted a mask out as Baron started to work on the tea. "You know that you're far better at painting than I am–"

"That's not true," Baron said instinctively, his back to her as he stirred in the tea.

"That's nice of you to say so, but everyone knows it's true. I mean, if this was just sketchwork, fine, but I can't do textures, and you're the one who is any good with paper mâché. I just get glue everywhere and then get distracted peeling it off my fingers," Haru admitted with a half-shrug. "I just need your help with making a Groot mask."

"That's fine." Baron turned to her and set a mug before her. "But – you have to help me with my Rocket costume." He turned his hands over towards her, and Haru saw his fingers were dotted with needle marks. "Apparently, needlework and I don't get on."

Haru grabbed his hands and brought them for closer inspection, giving a low whistle at the damage. "Were you trying to sew fabric or just your own hands together?"

"Haha, very funny." Baron pried his wrists free with a slight reddening of cheeks. "You told me that your mother did quilting, so I was hoping that you might perhaps have some experience in this..."

"Sure, I'll help. But only to stop yourself from decapitating your own hands."

"I would protest at that unjust assumption, but the thought of returning to the sewing box fills me with horror."

Haru prodded at his hands, wincing as she did so.

"Yes, I get the point." Baron moved his hands out of Haru's immediate reach. "Could you stop that?"

"Sorry. It's just... how do you make such a mess of sewing? Did the needle bite you or something? Sorry – sorry," she quickly apologised. "I'll find some plasters and then we can get to work. Do you mind if I put the radio on? Where's the fabric you were using for – ah, found it! And what about the sewing box – never mind, I've found that too!"

Baron chuckled lightly and tuned the radio to the local channel. "It amazes me how quickly you make yourself at home here, Haru."

She chuckled back from the next room, returning with an armful of fluffy material with two boxes perilously balanced on top. "That's because it feels like home." One of the boxes careened off and Baron snatched it from the air before it hit the ground. "That's the plasters for you; I don't know why you didn't bandage yourself up earlier," Haru said.

"I'm fine–"

"You were making self-deprecating jokes about your injuries–"

"No, _you_ were making deprecating jokes," Baron amended. "I, however, merely stated that needlework and I don't get on."

"And then added that the thought of this 'filled you with horror'," Haru quoted, attempting to mimic his horror, but only managing to throw the second box off the furry fabric instead. She caught it between her right index and middle fingers, nearly dropping the material in the process. "Don't say a word."

"I wasn't going to."

"Yes, you were."

"I might have been thinking about saying something, but I wasn't going to. More tea?"

"Baron, you can't just offer tea and expect that to make everything better."

"Why not? It works, doesn't it?"

Haru gaped for a moment.

"Drat. Milk, no sugar, please."

Baron grinned and bowed to the young brunette. "As you wish."

ooOoo

The evening passed quickly. The radio varied between music, news pieces, and shows – and, this close to Halloween, scary stories were all the range right now. Both Haru and Baron were seated on the floor, using their half of the coffee table for their varied costume work. On Baron's side, the table was smothered in a protective layer of old newspapers as he applied generous contours of paper mâché across the mask.

On the other side, the furry fabric that Haru was working with was rapidly shedding tuffs of fake fur as she sewed together what she hoped would eventually look like a raccoon's tail. Baron pulled his gaze away from his arts and crafts to watch Haru sweep the shed fur off the table.

"You're going to have to hoover that up later," he casually remarked.

Just as casually, Haru said, "You're the one who bought this fabric. It's your fault. Anyway, I'm being nice – I could have just let you maim your hand in this attempt instead."

"I'm making your Groot mask," Baron returned. "It's equivalent exchange."

"I wasn't going to injure myself making that mask," she muttered. She looked up and smiled innocently. "I was taking pity on you."

"You came here asking for _my_ help. So one could say that I took pity on you."

"True, I did come here with plans to ask for your help and I instead found you pulling silly pranks on those idiots along the corridor."

"Touché."

The radio changed from a spooky-themed allotment of adverts to a song that sounded suspiciously like _Thriller_.

"Do you have any plans to attend the Halloween party?" Haru asked halfway into the second verse.

"I take it from your question that you are less than fully committed to this event," Baron returned.

"I wanted to dress up, but I have zero interest in accompanying a lot of drunk, leery people in a crowded, sweaty room until the small hours of the morning," she said. "Not that I'm calling you guys drunk and leery, I was referring to the rest... You know what I mean."

"Unfortunately, I know exactly what you mean."

"So, what are your thoughts?"

"On going to the party? I still have a book that I haven't finished reading yet."

Haru laughed. "I love your priorities."

"You work in a library," he reminded her.

"This is something that I am aware of, yes."

"Guys, guys!" Hiromi swung into the room, her arms full of bags that made her entrance somewhat clumsy. "Guys–"

"Hiromi, Hiromi, Hiromi," Haru threw back. "_What_?"

"We almost forgot one of the most important things for Halloween," her friend said breathlessly, completely ignoring Haru's mockery. "Decorations!" The bags were dumped onto the floor, revealing a collection of small pumpkins, bunting, and other such ornaments. "Who wants to carve pumpkins?"

The other two motioned to the table, covered with arts and crafts materials as it was.

"We're already kind of busy," Haru apologised.

"You're such spoilsports," the other woman pouted. "Well, what about the other guys? Do you know where they are?"

"I don't; the last I saw of them, they were running down the corridor screaming hysterically."

"We were not."

Muta and Toto appeared in the doorway, Muta's form blocking most of the entrance.

Haru grinned. "You screamed like little girls."

"We were not," Muta stubbornly repeated.

"Give it up, fatso. We're not going to win this argument."

"Hey," Haru interceded before Muta could rebuff Toto's remark, "you didn't see me screaming in terror. That's all I'm going to say."

Hiromi threw one of the mini pumpkins to the newcomers; Toto caught it before it hit him in the face. "Do you wanna carve a pumpkin?"

"Do you want to cut out the _Frozen_ references, Chicky?" Muta pushed past into the room and snatched the pumpkin from his roommate. "It's been old since it came out."

Hiromi stole it back off him. "That doesn't even make sense."

"Your _face_ doesn't even make sense."

"Your mum–"

"Alright, people, break it up." Haru took the travelling pumpkin from her friend before she could finish her insult. "What are you guys, five or something?" She tossed it to Baron, who had given up on the mask while his apartment was invaded.

"Hey, we're not the one who rigged up a skeleton in the cleaner's cupboard," Toto accused, glaring pointedly to Baron. "You know if the manager hears that you've been messing around with that cupboard, you'll be fined, right?"

"I wasn't the one camping out in the hallway with a bedsheet and torch," Baron returned, a flicker of his Cheshire Cat grin twitching at his lips.

"Really?" Hiromi turned to Muta and Toto. "I told you guys that it was a bad idea."

Haru leant into the bags and hoisted out a second mini pumpkin. "Moving swiftly on, does anyone have any ideas for what they're going to carve?"

"Well, it obviously has to be something scary, right?" Toto said.

"Student loans," Haru and Hiromi chorused.

"Something properly scary," Muta grunted.

"Have you seen the size of my debt?" Hiromi demanded. "It's basically a second mortgage. Tell me that isn't scary."

"I don't think it's going to scare any little kids."

"Are you trying to scare little kids?" Baron asked the larger man doubtfully.

"Have you seen the trick-or-treaters we get in this building?" Muta retorted. "Some of their costumes are horrifying."

"You're only saying that because you shrieked when you answered the door to that girl," Toto snickered.

"Hey! That was a ridiculously realistic zombie outfit! She had fake scars all across her skin!"

"Are any of you going to help clean out these pumpkins, or are you just going to mock Muta?" Hiromi called from the sink, already halfway through emptying the first pumpkin.

"Um, I think I'm good with mocking Muta," Toto said.

"Get over here."

ooOoo

"That's one weird-looking pumpkin, Chicky."

Hiromi gave Muta an equally-weird look. "What?"

"The teeth are all wrong and the eyes are all friendly." Muta proudly turned his pumpkin around to show a rather gruesome jack-o-lantern, with long spindly teeth and jagged eyes. Some of the carved teeth had been too delicate, however, and a couple had been knocked off in the process of making it. As a result, his pumpkin still looked mildly terrifying, but the effect was lessened by the gappy mouth.

"This is Jack," Hiromi slowly spelt out. When he didn't respond, she added, "Jack Skellington? You know, from _The Nightmare Before Christmas_?"

"The what before whatnow?"

"You haven't seen it?" Hiromi's jaw gaped. "Guys, he hasn't seen it! Muta's never seen _The Nightmare Before Christmas_!"

"In case you didn't pick that up from the first two times she said it," Muta deadpanned.

"Guys, we have to watch it!"

"I dunno. Isn't it a Tim Burton musical or something? Musicals aren't my thing."

"How come you know that, but you don't recognise Jack Skellington?" Hiromi demanded.

"Uh, Tumblr, probably?"

"If you can find your DVD," Baron said, not really paying that much attention as he intently worked on his own pumpkin, "then, by all means, put it on."

Haru raised her head as the other brunette disappeared out of the room. "Oh, now you've done it." She grinned to the other occupants. "Hiromi loves Tim Burton's stuff. We're going to end up binging through all his movies now."

"I never know," Hiromi said as she entered a few minutes later – several DVDs in hand – "whether this is a Halloween film or a Christmas film–"

"No one does, Hiromi," Haru said.

"But I guess that means we can watch this at Christmas too! That, and _Love Actually_."

"Ugh, not that sappy rom-com again," Muta groaned. "We watched that last year!"

"And it's never Christmas until you've seen _Love Actually_ at least twice!" Hiromi sang. "Or would you rather we watched _Frozen_ for Christmas?"

"_Love Actually_'s fine," Muta quickly said.

"You do realise that we're probably going to end up watching Frozen anyway?" Toto added quietly to his flatmate.

Muta's shoulders sagged. "There's no escaping it. Everywhere I go..."

"What's wrong with _Frozen_?" Hiromi demanded.

"Where do you want me to start? What about the fact that there's only one good song–"

"Not true," Haru interceded. "_Love is an Open Door_ was good."

"Did you know that someone proposed with that setting?" Hiromi interceded. "He dressed up as Hans, and his girlfriend dressed up as Anna, and he proposed to her."

"What? Didn't he even see the film?"

"That's what I said! Anyway," the shorter brunette said, snapping back to Muta, "_Let It Go_ wasn't the only good song."

"It's been played to death. And what about the troll song? Does anyone even know what it's called?" Muta insisted.

The two women hesitated. "_Fixer Upper_?" they chorused.

"Fine. Do you actually remember any lyrics?"

"Sure. Uh... _He's a fixer upper... He's got a couple of..._"

"_Bugs_?"

"Or was it flaws? _Something, something, need for human hugs_?"

"My case is proved."

"It isn't as good as _Tangled_," Haru admitted.

"What? No," Hiromi argued. "Rapunzel falls for Flynn Rider in, like, three days, and his name is then changed to Eugene Fitzherbert or something. It's the stupidest name ever!"

"What's wrong with it?" Baron asked.

"No one has names like that!"

"You do realise Baron's real name is Humbert von Gikkingen, right?" Toto asked after a pregnant pause.

Hiromi reddened, but said, "And why do you think everyone calls him Baron? At least in _Frozen_, Anna is saved by her sister's love, and not some strange dude she's known for less than a week."

"You mean, by the sister that she's had a total of five sentences with since Elsa shut herself up in her room for the past ten years?" Haru added. "Hiromi, you wouldn't trust either of your brothers to make you dinner, let alone save you, and you're actually on talking terms with them."

"Anyway, Rapunzel saves herself as much as Flynn Rider does," Toto added. Muta looked to him, and the tall man reddened. "What? It's a good film! You would know that if you watched more than just the dime-a-dozen action films you binge on, you uncultured swine."

"Marvel is a beautiful creation–"

"And is now owned by Disney," Baron reminded him.

"... Let's not go there. Marvel is wonderful and this is why we are dressing up as _Guardians of the Galaxy_ for Halloween," Muta gruffly finished.

"Talking of that, how is your Gamora outfit coming along?" Haru asked sweetly.

"Shuttup."

"Are you even making an outfit, or are you just flat-out refusing to even try?" Hiromi said.

"You know, I haven't seen him working on it at all," his flatmate added.

"I am making an outfit, but you're not going to see it until Halloween."

"You know he's going to end up looking like a redheaded Hulk, right?" Hiromi giggled.

"Don't judge until you see the finished work!" Muta hesitated, and then added, "But if anyone has green facepaint, I'll be borrowing it."

"This is going to be like the Smurf incident all over again," Hiromi muttered.

"Oy, jeez," Toto said. "It took weeks to get the blue out of the bathroom..."

"Next year, we should totally do Avatar," Haru joked.

"The cartoon or the film with the overgrown Smurfs?"

"The overgrown Smurfs," Haru answered, in response to Hiromi's question. She grinned. "Although, now that you've said it, the cartoon would be so much fun!"

"Oh my goodness, we totally should! I'll be Suki!"

The rest of the room's occupants watched the two women fangirl. Muta turned to Toto. "Any idea what they're on about?"

"Heaven only knows."

"And have you been watching Korra?" Hiromi asked her flatmate.

"No... Should I?"

"Yes, one-hundred per cent, yes! Why aren't you already?"

Toto looked over to the other two guys. "Should we do something or just leave them to it?"

Baron smiled. "I think we have little choice in the matter."

ooOoo

"Ta-da! Finished!" Haru spun around on the spot, showing off her newly-made Groot outfit. "I am ready for Halloween!"

"Good," Baron said, book in hand. "Because, according to your flatmate, this Halloween party is due to start in ten minutes."

"Yes, and you haven't even started to get ready," Hiromi admonished, entering the flat in her Quill costume. As promised, she was wearing a red leather jacket, with a painted mask and a cardboard gun by her hip. "Don't I look fabulous?"

"You asked me that ten minutes ago," Haru reminded her.

"I wasn't asking you. I was asking Rocket." Hiromi hoisted the book from Baron's hands. "You're not even looking."

"Hey, I'm half a chapter off the end!" he protested.

"You can have it back when you're properly dressed."

"I am dressed."

"For the party, furball." The woman grinned. "I know that Haru helped with the sewing, so this ought to be good."

"I hope that wasn't sarcasm there," Haru said.

"Me? Sarcastic? Heaven forbid!"

"You're such a drama queen," her friend muttered. "So?" Haru spun again on the spot for Hiromi's benefit. "Your thoughts?"

"I like the mask!"

"Thanks. That was Baron's work."

Truth be told, while Haru had initially been excited about dressing up as Groot, she had later realised that this was a somewhat difficult task. Still, she hadn't agreed to swap with Muta, partly because she liked a challenge, but also because she definitely wasn't going to be Gamora after all the fuss he kicked up about it.

Also, she wanted to see how he managed to pull off a genderbent Gamora outfit.

After much more gluing and painting, Haru had used an old t-shirt and trousers, and layered them with what she hoped looked like bark, and then finished off the outfit with a variation of vines (bought from an odd little decoration shop) twisted about to give an extra dash of colouring. Haru pulled off the encompassing mask, shaking her hair free from her head. "I can barely breathe in that thing though. Have you seen the other guys' outfits yet?"

"No. I can't wait for Muta's." Hiromi peered towards the closed bedroom door. "Baron! Are you nearly ready? I want to see this fantastic Rocket outfit that Haru's been working on!"

"For the record, I did work on this also," Baron protested. He stepped out in full orange jumpsuit, with a furry tail swinging behind him, raccoon ears tucked on his head, and furry gloves to complete the look. "I was thinking about facepaint..."

"We have time," Haru said.

"Haru–"

"Oh, come on, Hiromi; the parties never start on time anyway. Plus, Toto and Muta haven't turned up yet." Haru went rummaging through one of the nearby cupboards, while Hiromi threw up her hands in defeat.

"Okay, okay. But don't take all day."

"I might not be able to paper mâché, but I can certainly do facepaint!"

"So, how do I look?" Toto, covered with swirling body paint, finally appeared, although _sans_ Muta. "Please tell me that this party is inside, because otherwise I am going to freeze to death."

Hiromi looked up from where she had collapsed onto the sofa. "Geez, you really are a stick insect."

"If you were that worried about the cold, you could have swapped with Muta," Haru suggested, already getting to work with applying the first layer of facepaint. "I'm sure he wouldn't have felt the cold anywhere near as much."

"That's because he has blubber instead of muscle," Toto retorted.

"So why didn't you swap?"

"Because I wanted to see Muta dress up as Gamora as much as any of you did. Anyway, the cold shouldn't be that bad."

"Are you saying," Haru asked, looking to Toto but grinning towards Hiromi, "that the cold never bothered you anyway?" She high-fived her flatmate.

"Just stop with the _Frozen_ jokes already."

"Haru, I think he's telling us to... let it go." The girls exchanged another high-five.

"Haru, could you concentrate while you're painting my face?" Baron asked, partly to move the conversation before Toto could be subjected to any more Disney references.

"Oh, relax. I used to do facepainting at children's parties all the time when I was younger. This is one of the things I'm actually good at."

"You're good at many things, Haru," he protested.

"Shush, otherwise I'll paint you pink."

"She will, you know," Hiromi added. "And, trust me, pink will not go with that jumpsuit."

"Thanks for the update," the costumed Rocket muttered. He watched Haru work, her eyes peering into his face while she applied the next layer of paint to him. He decided he liked the way her brows furrowed in concentration, her teeth biting at her lip as she occasionally flicked back her dark hair with a nod of her head. She caught him looking, and grinned sheepishly. "I'm almost done," she said. "Just keep still for a little while longer..."

"The party's already started," Hiromi moaned. "Muta hasn't even turned up yet."

"Do you think he's wimped out?" Toto asked.

"Muta? Never," Haru laughed. "He's too stubborn."

"He didn't look too pleased with his outfit choice though," her flatmate noted.

"We all agreed it was the fairest way of doing it," Toto groaned.

"And would you have agreed to be Gamora without the slightest bit of fuss?" Hiromi asked.

"Yes."

"Liar."

"And... done," Haru hummed. She leant back to admire her work. "Well, now you certainly look the part. Guys, we have our fourth Guardian ready."

"Yes, but what about the fifth?"

There was a knocking from the apartment door. "That must be Muta," Baron said.

"Muta doesn't knock," Toto replied.

"Unless, perhaps, he's nervous?" Haru suggested kindly. "Just open the door and see who it is."

Toto shrugged and moved to greet the newcomer. "Don't tell me you've decided to wimp out on us, fatso–"

A very green Muta stepped in, elbowing Toto aside. "Does it look like I have, chickenbrain? Get yer eyes checked."

"Oh my giddy aunt, you actually did it," Hiromi gasped. She raised her eyebrows and wordlessly looked over their largest friend, gaping for several moments. Eventually, when she felt that she should probably add something more to her reaction, she said, "It's... good."

"Try again, Chicky, and this time make it convincing."

"No, I mean it. Like... you've actually managed to make it... kinda work..."

Instead of going for the v-necked leather suit – if it could be called that – which Gamora typically wore, he had gone for a dark blue sleeveless shirt that buttoned to one side, with swords at his hips, and wraps around his wrists. He had even managed to dye his relatively short hair a noticeable shade of red.

"We've got all five Guardians, so you know what this calls for," Hiromi said. "Group photo!"

"Do we have to?" Muta moaned.

"Of course! Gather in, gather in!"

"When you say that, it worries me a little," Haru muttered, but she was dragged over to the group regardless. She was shoved next to Baron while Hiromi fiddled around with the timer settings on the camera. "Nice facepaint."

"Thanks."

"Muta, you've got to squidge, I can only see your arm."

"Good."

"Muta..."

"Oh, alright."

"Now, everyone smile! Not like that Muta; you look like you're about to commit homicide."

"What? This is my normal face!"

Toto cackled. "That's the problem!"

"If you've got a problem with my face, say it _to_ my face then!"

"I have got to get more ordinary friends," Haru sweatdropped.

"I'm afraid you're stuck with us," Baron grinned. "For better or worse."

"Till death do us part? Oh, Lord, what have I got myself into...?"

"Right, now everyone smile!" Hiromi shouted, setting the timer and running back to the group. She squeezed in between Haru and Toto, elbowing them aside to get some space. "Hey, Starlord coming through here!"

"Tree," Haru said, pointing to herself, "and deranged killer," she finished, pointing to Toto. "I think we trump you."

"Drax is not a deranged killer," Muta protested.

"Meh."

"You're not smiling," Hiromi reminded them.

"Sorry," Haru and Muta chorused.

"Say cheese!"

The camera flash lit up the whole room and Hiromi sprang to inspect the photo. "Yes! Good photo, guys! Right, who's ready to party?" She turned around to find that the rest of the room's occupants had collapsed down to the sofas and armchairs. "Guys?"

"Can't we just watch a movie or something?" Muta groaned.

"Muta!"

"What? We have food and comfy sofas and food here," he protested.

"And movies," Haru agreed.

"And books," Baron added, waving the novel he had desperately been trying to finish all week.

Hiromi slumped. "Really?"

"Aw, come on, Hiromi," Haru laughed, "this has been great fun – all this decorating and dressing up – but you know that we're not exactly party animals." She collapsed deeper into the sofa, propping her tailored boots – also tangled up in vines – onto the table. "Anyway, we can actually hear each other in here and we have games."

Hiromi perked up. "First game we play is Monopoly!"

There was a collection of groans from around the table. "It's too early for that," Muta complained, while Toto said, "It'll take all evening..."

"What about a movie, then games?"

"And snacks! Plenty of snacks!"

"Anyone know any scary stories?"

"I know one called Black Blood," Haru offered.

Hiromi shivered. "I heard that one in school. No thanks."

"Or you could browse CreepyPasta instead."

"Or watch a playthrough of _Five Nights at Freddies_!

"You guys need to get off the internet more," Haru scoffed to Muta and Toto.

"I've looked up that Freddies game; not a snowball's chance in summer," Hiromi added. "Baron, what do you think?"

"He's about five pages off the end – don't disturb him."

"You're such a bookworm, Haru."

"I know what readers are like."

As Baron's apartment settled down into a movie, the only lights in the room were the flicker of the TV and the glow of five carved pumpkins. One bore the traditional – if spooky – jack-o-lantern face, another the face of Jack Skellington, and a third had a flurry of bats flying across its skin. The second-to-last was almost a collection of doodles in its artwork, with autumnal leaves and fireflies and cats winding their way along the pumpkin, and the final one was ridiculously simple in its design; a cup of tea with the spiralling steam above it shifting into the smoky form of a ghost. Haru, who had been sitting beside Baron as he carved his pumpkin, had given into temptation and carved more of her own doodles along the other side, which Baron had – as far as she was aware – failed to notice.

And the flat was warm and cosy, full of the sounds of chattering and laughter and the occasional scream, and it was a good evening.

_For it was the night of Halloween, and all through the flats, the people were partying, even the Cat's... Bureau. _

**ooOoo**

**A/N: Uh... yeah, this is what happens when I watch too many **_**Friends**_** episodes...**

**So this is something I've been playing around with doing for a while – a series of oneshots centred around a human!Bureau living ordinary lives. I don't know how often I will update or how long the chapters will be, for this is more of an open, continuous collection of oneshots. I don't expect there to be a tight story arc (if any) for this – it's really just snippets of ordinary life if the Bureau were just ordinary people. **

**Also, I'm pretty sure there's a **_**Fullmetal Alchemist**_** reference in there; if you're familiar with FMA, kudos if you can find it. (FMA is my most recent obsession; you're lucky there's only been one reference so far...)**

**Any suggestions or thoughts are appreciated – for instance, what TV shows you think they'd watch, what music they listen to, what they do in their free time, what other oneshots you'd like to see... etc. This is just a bit of fun for me and – hopefully – for you guys too. **

**(This is also a bit of fun Halloween fluff to even out the more horror-based chapter of _The Bureau Files Series 2_ that is going to be posted later today.****)**

**Happy Halloween!**

**Cat.**


	2. Texts: Haru and Hiromi 1

**A/N: This is something I thought of recently and just couldn't resist. It's not a scene as such, but instead a text conversation between Haru and Hiromi, mostly inspired by the banter that my best friend and I share. (She's the same friend who I base a lot of Hiromi's personality traits on.) **

**To make things easier, Hiromi's texts are in **_**italics**_**, and Haru's are just plain text. Sometimes Haru or Hiromi will send multiple texts before the other can reply, so it isn't always alternative speaking. **

**ooOoo**

Chapter 2: Texts: Haru and Hiromi 1

_[11.11.14]_

_Doctor Who!_

NO I haven't caught up yet!

_*evil grin*_

If you give spoilers, I'll tell you who next dies on GoT.

_You wouldn't._

*evil grin*

_... Seriously, you need to watch it. GO WATCH IT._

Hiromi, I'm at a family reunion. Stop.

_BUT ITS THE FINALE._

I know.

_THE FINALE!_

I KNOW.

_I NEED TO FANGIRL WITH SOMEONE!_

You have Tumblr.

_*pout* It's not the same._

Go annoy Toto or Muta.

_They don't watch it._

Go annoy them anyway.

_*sobs*_

*throws tissue box*

_*tissue box strikes * Girl down! Girl down!_

Moron.

_Ack! It got me! Goodbye, cruel world!_

Drama queen.

_Spoilsport._

Rabid fangirl.

_XD I know. By the way, you need to watch this. [Link]_

What is it?

_Just watch it!_

...

_Or don't you trust me?_

...

_I'm hurt. _

Cry me a river.

_I did. You knocked me out with a flying tissue box. _

*rolls eyes*

_Are you watching it?_

_Haru?_

_Haru, are you there?_

_HARU_

_HARRRRRUUUUUU_

! Flip. Freaking... lkjasflkjasd

_*evil grin* You watched it, didn't you?_

I hate you so much.

_We need to play this game!_

NO

_YES_

WHAT IS YOUR OBSESSION WITH HORROR? Also, stuff you. I freaking jumped out of my skin and screamed and now all of mum's relatives think I'm crazy.

_And?_

FIVE NIGHTS AT FREDDY'S WAS BAD ENOUGH WHY IS THERE A SECOND GAME?

_Now look at who's killing the caps button. _

You're in such trouble, missy.

_I laugh at the face of danger._

*in. You laugh in the face of danger.

_Don't question my Disney knowledge!_

I'm surrounded by idiots...

_Ouch. That's not nice. Your family are lovely. _

... You know I'm talking about you.

_Me? What have I done? By the way I bought a new dress!_

Case in point.

_You're meant to ask me what it's like._

You're going to tell me anyway.

_True. XD Or I could just send you a picture. _

_[Photo]_

_So?_

_What d'ya think?_

_Isn't it pretty?!_

Is it meant to have the hole in the back?

_It's fashion. Not that you would understand that._

There's a hole. In the back. How does it even stay on? How much back does it show?

_My back is fabulous. _

... You know I always read 'fabulous' in Edna's voice, right?

_Yep. And my back is still fabulous, darling. _

I imagine it's much like any other back.

You know, with skin and stuff.

_I do have skin. _

That's a good start.

_I have shoulder blades and all. _

_Like, literally, shoulder BLADES. I'm like Wolverine, except my claws are at my shoulders._

You're so lucky I understand you.

_You're so lucky you have an awesome friend. _

Oh, Baron? I know, he is cool.

_! ME YOU IDIOT_

_Also, Baron's hot. ;)_

... You can't say that.

_Why not? Are you denying the fact that he's hot?_

I can't answer that.

_Why not?_

He's practically our flatmate! It's weird!

_Not if he's hot. ;)_

You're terrible.

_Are you saying he's not hot?_

He's a good friend.

_That's different._

Yes.

_He could be a good friend AND hot. Like, in an objective way. _

We escalated so quickly from your shoulder blades to Baron.

_You're still not answering the question!_

FINE.

He's cute.

In an impartial, easy-on-the-eyes way.

In a just friends way.

In a totally not romantic way.

And if this ever gets out, I. Will. Skin. You.

_Methinks the lady doth protest too much. _

Methinks the lady's friend is a terrible gossiper.

_You wouldn't skin me. _

I will spoil the entirety of Game of Thrones for you. I will write the name of everyone who dies on post-it notes around the kitchen. I will sketch their death scenes on the mini white board. I WILL SPELL OUT THE NAMES OF THE DEAD IN ALPHABET PASTA AND YOU WILL NOT ESCAPE MY WRATH.

_Sometimes I'm really glad you don't watch How To Get Away With Murder._

*grin* Can we get back to your backless dress?

_No. This is much more fun. _

*cruel, you meant.

_Oh, UPDATE. The boys have a Wii now._

Toto and Muta? What? Also, random change of subject.

_I just remembered. _

Did they buy the new Wii. Wii U or whatever?

_Nah. Just the original old one. Pfft, like they have enough money to spare on a new game console. Toto's cousin got the new one, and passed on the old Wii to him. They're just setting it up now. They got a few old games with it too. _

Yay?

_They got Mario Kart._

YAY!

Okay, we are totally crashing at their place for a games night.

_Agreed. That's what I was thinking. _

Already our minds are becoming one...

_Already? Dude, we've known each other for the last fifteen years. _

I know. And I've been trying to get rid of you for fourteen. :P

_I know. I've just stuck around because annoying you is just too much fun. :P_

WHY DO ALL THE CRAZY PEOPLE GRAVITATE TO ME?

BTW, one of my aunts just asked me when am I going to find a nice guy and I just died of embarrassment. SAVE ME FROM THE FAMILY REUNION!

_Lol, sorry but my superhero cape is in the wash. _

APPARENTLY MY AUNT HAS GOT A VERY NICE NEIGHBOUR WHO HAS A LOVELY SON AND I SHOULD TOTALLY GO AND MEET HIM SOMETIME WHAT IS MY LIFE?

_Lololol_.

You're a horrible friend.

_Lololololol_.

Stop.

_LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL_.

STOPSTOPSTOPSTOP.

_Are you texting me while talking to your aunt?_

...No...

That would only be the case if I actually had a chance to talk back.

_You should totally go and socialise more with your family. _

_And find out about the neighbour's cute son._

_And get his number._

_And give that number to me. _

There's no guarantee he's cute.

_AT LEAST LET ME DREAM_

No.

_You could at least pretend to think about it. _

Uh... No.

I thought about it this time.

_Why are we friends?_

This is something I've been wondering for years.

Okay, now I really need to go – I've just got a dirty look from my aunt and I think my mum is about to come over...

_Oooh... Are you in trouble?_

_Should I stop texting?_

Stop.

_Don't leave me! I'm so bored!_

Stop.

_My best friend has just abandoned me! What am I to do? I feel so WORTHLESS. NOOOOOOOOO_

I'll see you tomorrow, Hiromi.

_K. Bye. 3_

Bye. Love you too.

**ooOoo**

**A/N: I hope you enjoyed that (I loved writing it!), and I am seriously playing around with the idea of more little chapters like this, probably between different characters. I know it's short, but I couldn't write too much of this without their conversation becoming forced. **


	3. Doctor Who: Death in Heaven

**A/N: So this chapter is going to have the Bureau watching the finale to the Doctor Who series 8, so, of course, there are going to be SPOILERS. There's nothing I can do about that, it literally is unavoidable given the context. If you are a DW fan, but haven't seen the newest episode, don't watch. If you're a fan and have seen it, enjoy. And if you're not a fan, well... you're welcome to suggest something else that you want to see the Bureau doing. I'm open to suggestions.**

**This was inspired by ****Tasolae**** who wanted to see a DW-themed chapter and, given the finale, I thought this was the perfect opportunity. I expect I'll do a Sherlock-themed one sooner or later, but thank you for suggesting this! I loved writing this and I probably would not have done this so soon without your prompting.**

**To KrisG: As much as I would love to have them discussing Big Hero 6, I live in the UK, which means it won't be released here until late January. (Boo!) But I am really excited for BH6 and would love to write a chapter for it! I'm just planning to wait until the official release here. **

**PS: Get well soon!**

**Cat.**

**ooOoo**

Chapter 3: Doctor Who: Death in Heaven

_[15.11.14]_

The first Baron knew that Haru had returned from her family reunion was the moment Hiromi barged into his apartment with the aforementioned brunette in tow.

"Hey, Baron; you don't mind if we borrow your TV for an hour or so, right? Thanks – it's just that you have the biggest TV in the corridor and we have to watch Doctor Who right. You've still got it recorded though, haven't you? You didn't delete it or anything?" Hiromi demanded as she plunked herself down on the armchair.

Haru gave him an apologetic look, but took a seat on the sofa regardless. "I didn't think you watched Doctor Who," she said.

"I don't," Baron answered, "and, no, I haven't deleted it yet."

"Oh, goody."

"If you don't watch it," Haru persisted, while Hiromi switched on the TV and started to navigate her way through the gadgetry, "then why do you have it recorded?"

Baron looked up from where he was cleaning the last of dinner's dishes, his gaze a tad reproachful even if Hiromi missed it. "Why don't you ask your flatmate that?"

"He has, like, the most _mammoth_ TV in the entire corridor," Hiromi said in her defence. "What? Was I meant to watch it on our pin-sized screen? Doctor Who deserves better!"

"Did she come round last Saturday?" Haru asked.

"I was heading out for an extra shift at the Tea House at the time, so I told Hiromi that she could borrow my TV while I was out," he replied, something that he was perhaps regretting. Baron must have seen the guilty expression fall across Haru's face, for he added a moment later, "You are more than welcome to watch this programme of yours here though, Haru. Shall I make tea?"

"Shush!" Hiromi batted her hands madly in the general direction of the other two. "Guys, it's starting!"

Haru did what she usually did when Hiromi was being over-dramatic – ignore and carry on. "Tea would be lovely, Baron."

"Shush!"

"If you like, you are also more than welcome to join us."

Now Hiromi tuned back in. "Join us?" she demanded. "It's the series finale! A second part of a two-parter! He'll never understand any of it!"

"I do enjoy a challenge," Baron noted.

"Hey, Baron, can we crash in here for a movie night?" The door crashed open and the other two occupants of the corridor walked in.

"Sorry, Muta, but we've already beaten you to the TV," Haru laughed.

"Doesn't anyone watch their own TV?" Baron muttered to himself.

"What are you watching?"

At Toto's question, Hiromi snorted in resignation and paused the programme, halfway through the 'last time' segment. "Why don't you ALL just come and watch?" she insisted, heavily sarcastic. "It's not like it's the finale or anything or that you'll understand ANYTHING that goes on but, by all means, join anyway."

"Toto, you're a physics teacher," Haru commented – again ignoring her best friend's dramatics – "I would have thought that Doctor Who would be right up your alley."

"Is that the rubbish you're watching?"

"Watch it, lardball!"

Haru nudged the other woman to calm her wrath. "Easy there, tiger. Don't get your Whovian knickers in a twist."

Muta sniggered and went straight for Baron's fridge.

"Muta, please; I just stocked up on food yesterday."

"Perfect time to raid it then," he said through a mouthful of already stolen pork pies.

Toto perched on the other armchair and stared at the screen – which showed a skeleton in a cabinet of strange water. "I'm not sure how much Doctor Who qualifies under legit physics, Haru."

"But you like other sci-fi TV," she pointed out. She raised an eyebrow. "I've seen the collection of Star Trek DVDs you have."

"That's classic sci-fi."

"Doctor Who is classic!" both women protested.

"I'll have you know that Doctor Who celebrated its 50th anniversary last year," Hiromi said proudly. She sighed. "Ah... it was so good to see David Tennant playing the Doctor again..."

"Oh, heck," Muta groaned. "They're about to fangirl."

Baron set the cup of tea down before Haru and took the last space on the sofa, beside the brunette. "If the whole corridor are going to be watching this, why don't you give us a quick run-down of what has recently happened?"

"You'll never understand," Hiromi said instantly.

"Let me be the judge of that."

"Well – Hiromi, press play – you see that woman, she's the Master –" Haru started.

"I thought the Master was a guy," Muta interrupted.

"You don't even watch this show!" Hiromi snapped. "How–"

"Tumblr," both Toto and Muta chorused.

"How do you not know about this then? Tumblr practically exploded that day."

"I tuned it out." Muta gave an evil grin. "Although I know what happens at the end."

Haru spun round from the sofa and glared daggers at the large man still raiding the fridge. "Spoil this, and I'll superglue every cupboard in your flat," she snarled.

"She'll do it," Hiromi hummed. "She's crazy."

"I've seen a little of Doctor Who through the media," Baron remarked before Muta could come up with a suitable comeback. "So I've seen the silver men before–"

"Cybermen," Haru explained. "They're humanity upgraded into robots, basically."

"And they're basically invading because they're using the dead bodies for new Cybermen," Hiromi added, "and Missy is amassing an army and everything's doomed and it's the darkest day and all those clichés. And SHUSH! The '_previously'_ part is finished and it's moving on to the episode! Haru, are you paying attention?!"

"Course I am."

"**You are Clara Oswald. You are human. You are unimportant," the Cyberman on-screen monotoned.**

"If the Cyberman are unfeeling robots," Toto reasoned, "then why isn't it just shooting her?"

"Stop nitpicking," Hiromi grumbled.

"He's right. You know he's right."

"Shut up, Muta! You're not even properly watching!"

The man dumped a collection of popcorn, crisps, and drinks on the table. "Yeah, well I have snacks. Someone shuffle over." He moved to collapse onto the sofa, and Baron hastily shifted over. Suddenly he and Haru were somewhat squidged together.

"Sorry, Haru–"

"Muta, you have loads of space on this side," Hiromi reproached. "Shift a little!"

"**Clara Oswald has never existed."**

"**Identify," the Cyberman demanded. **

"**I'm the Doctor."**

"Lies!" Haru cried as the opening credits rolled. "Dammit, Moffat! I wanted Dark Clara! I wanted an evil companion! We all know she's just lying to save her own skin! Is this meant to be dramatic?!"

Hiromi grinned. "I can't wait to see your reaction later."

Haru stopped. "Why? Am I wrong?"

"Not going to tell." The grin widened. "But this episode has all the feels."

**On-screen, the credits clear to show the Cybermen in London, crowded by curious tourists.**

"**Photos with the big metal men – one pound!" Missy rings. **

"Oh, come on," Haru groaned. "COME ON! We had Cyberman attacking Earth in the past – are you honestly telling me that no one remembers? It doesn't even occur to them that maybe these are the same creatures – and oh my goodness, an Eleventh Doctor reference! Osgood and her bowtie!"

Muta stuffed a handful of popcorn into his mouth and stared at the young woman. "Are you usually this crazy when it comes to corny BBC shows?"

"You wait until Sherlock returns," Hiromi giggled. "Oh, and, by the way–" She waved madly to her flatmate. "Benedict Cumberbatch is engaged! Isn't it adorable!"

"I would've thought all you rabid fangirls would be foaming at the mouth with him taken," Muta muttered.

"We're fabulous fangirls," Hiromi corrected, "so, of course, we're happy for him."

"Also, he's forty or something," Haru added.

"No, he's not."

"Around that, Hiromi."

"Really?"

"**Welcome to the only planet that gets to say this." Kate Steward stands before the Cybermen and nods to the Doctor. "He's on payroll."**

"**Am I?" the Doctor asks.**

"**Well, technically."**

"**How much?" **

"The important question," Muta muttered.

"**Shush."**

"Okay, I like this episode," Haru says, grinning crazily. "And oh flipping heck, _the Cybermen can fly_?" She hesitated, and then watched the robots soar into the air. "They look like Iron Man when they fly."

"Iron Man is better," Muta grumbled.

"We all know you're biased."

"So are you."

"**If it isn't exploding, then what is it doing?" the Doctor demands.**

"**Pollinating," Missy replies.**

"I don't think the writer knows science," Toto remarked after a pregnant pause. "Pollinating? Pollinating what?"

"You should see his previous episodes."

"You're thinking of the moon episode, aren't you?" Hiromi asked.

"Of course I'm thinking of the moon episode!" Haru snorted. "You can't have something lay an egg immediately after hatching _that is the same size of the egg it just hatched out of_. It's not a viable life strategy. Where did it store the egg before laying it? Where and when did it get fertilised? Or was it asexual reproduction?"

"Haru, it's just a TV programme."

"I know. But, dammit, they could at least pretend to have real science! And–" Haru jolted in her seat "– what just happened? Did UNIT just tranquilise the Doctor? No, no, no, no... Bad idea. STOP STOPPING THE DOCTOR WHEN THINGS GO WRONG!"

"I have literally no clue what is going on right now," Toto muttered as rain poured over the graveyards on-screen.

"Shush – things are about to get interesting!"

"Chicky, you've been saying that the entire time."

"**In the event of full-scale invasion, an Earth president is inducted immediately, with complete authority over every nation state," Kate Stewart says. "There was only one practical candidate."**

"**That's your answer for everything, isn't it? Vote for an idiot," the Doctor mocks.**

"**If you say so, Mr President."**

"Ooh..." snorted Haru. "Did... Did the Doctor just get... burned?" She sat back into the sofa and glanced to Hiromi. "But whenever humanity has to make a decision, the Doctor always stands back and lets humanity deal with it," she pointed out, suddenly sceptical. "He doesn't like choosing for us."

"The entire theme for this series has been that the Doctor is a soldier – a commander," Hiromi said. "I think they're just going off that. And it's not like he's given much choice in the option."

**The screen switches to Clara approaching a group of Cyberman. Among her ramblings contain the sentence: "...I have four grandchildren, missing, presumed dead..."**

"Wait, wait, what? I thought they were safe... or something..." Haru complained. "I mean, it's nice to hear about them, but _dead_?"

"Relax, Chicky. Geez, it's not even real."

"Anyway, she said _presumed dead_."

"I know, but that doesn't – oh..." Haru lapsed into silence as _a _**Cyberman turns against its fellow kind and stands over an unconscious Clara. A name can be seen on the sheet it holds crumpled in its hand.**

A small gasp escaped from the brunette and both hands flew to her mouth.

Baron turned to her. "Haru?"

Haru dropped her hand and Baron slipped his palm into hers. She took the hand and leant against him. "I have a bad feeling this episode is going to break my heart," she whispered.

"Would more tea help?" he whispered back.

"No." She buried her head into his shoulder. "Just let me cry into your shirt if the occasion rises."

"Of course."

"Guys! You're missing the Doctor-Missy scene!" Hiromi whined.

"**All of time and space?"**

"**I'm sorry?" Osgood asks.**

"**Just something for your bucket list," the Doctor nonchalantly replies. **

Haru peeked out from Baron's shoulder. "Has the Doctor just offered that Osgood become the next companion after Clara?"

Hiromi pointed avoided Haru's gaze. "Maybe..."

"I would like that."

"Guys, I'm ordering pizza! Who wants what?"

"Really, Muta; I thought you said that you had already eaten," Baron noted reproachfully.

"Yeah. And? Whatd'ya want, Baron?"

"I'm fine, thanks."

"We'll share a pepperoni!" the two women chorused.

"Good. And you, birdbrain?"

"Hawaiian."

"And that'll be one large meat feast for me," the man muttered, punching the number into his phone.

"Heavens above, we're such a lazy corridor," Haru groaned, slumping deeper into the sofa.

"You still ordered pizza, Chicky; you can't judge."

"It's a Saturday evening and we're ordering pizza and watching TV. You'd at least think we'd go to the cinema once in a while instead."

"What would you rather be doing?" Hiromi teased. "Clubbing?"

"Oh, of course," she retorted sarcastically. "I just _love_ to party." She mimed waving a small flag in mock-enthusiasm. "Wild party animal that I am."

"**It wasn't rain, Man Scout!" the Doctor sharply corrects**. Haru returned her attention to the screen. **"It was pollen. Cyber-pollen. Every tiny particle of a Cyberman contains the plans to make another Cyberman."**

"Are the writers trying to reference DNA?" Baron asked.

"Who knows?"

"**All it has to do is to make a contact with compatible, living organic matter, and bang – full conversion."**

"Actually, I think this is closer to a virus?" Toto offered.

"What would you know, ya stick insect? You're a physics teacher, not a biology one."

"I teach biology to the younger kids," he icily reminded the other man. "Anyway, I know more than you do about science – and aren't you meant to be ordering pizza, moron?" He pointed back to the screen. "But, if the writers think that a mere virus would be enough to fully transform dead bodies into metal robots, then..." Toto gave a short, barking laugh and threw his hands up in the air in defeat. "I give up."

"But if it is like a virus, then viruses can reproduce really quickly," Haru pointed out.

"Quick enough to reanimate corpses?"

"This is Doctor Who," Hiromi reminded them flatly. "There's always going to an element of suspension of disbelief."

"No, but now I'm thinking about it," her flatmate protested, "I guess it could make sense? Not entirely – Doctor Who isn't that sane – but, you know, you could rationalise it out."

"Bacteria _have_ been genetically engineered to produce all sorts of chemicals," Baron remarked. "Drugs, food, etc. Perhaps the Cybermen have found a way for them to produce metal and wiring."

"From what?" Toto demanded. "You can't just produce metal out of _nothing_."

"Maybe there's metal in the ground?" Haru suggested.

"Not enough for whole body suits, I'd warrant."

"The whole thing would seem less surreal if the Doctor had made some sort of reference to viruses," Haru said, mostly to herself. "Instead of just saying, yep, let's spray the Earth with pollen and – poof! The corpses popped out of the ground!"

"Like daisies!" Hiromi cried.

The two girls caught each other's gaze and burst into laughter.

"That should totally be a meme."

"It probably already is."

"Are we missing something?" Muta whispered.

"Disney reference, I believe," Baron filled him in.

"**But she's been upgrading dying minds to a hard drive for a long time," the Doctor hisses, pacing the presidential room. "So, she upgrades the hardware, then she updates the software."**

"Is he saying that when you die, Missy takes your mind, saves it, and then later reanimates your corpse?" Haru asked. "Because what happens if, when you get downloaded back to your body, you go to the wrong body?"

"They're all Cybermen, so I'm not sure they can tell the difference," Hiromi reassured her friend.

"**Every graveyard on planet Earth is about to burst its banks..."**

Hiromi leant over to her friend. "I'm just going to take this moment to remind you that Amy and Rory are dead, so they're probably one of the Cybermen at this point."

Haru recoiled. "No! Why did you have to go and say that?"

Hiromi just grinned.

"You're horrible."

"I know. I could be even more horrible."

"I don't even want to know."

"Because there's a big spoiler I could give. Well, several, in fact. Well, one's coming up right now..."

Haru stared at the screen, where **Missy has just escaped from her cufflinks and has caught Osgood.**

"**Say something nice."**

"No," Haru whispered. She glared at Hiromi. "No, Osgood's not going to..."

"Not saying a word."

"You don't have to. Dammit, she dies, doesn't she?"

"**Missy, the Master, whatever you call yourself, I promise, I'm much more useful to you alive," Osgood reasons.**

"**Oh, yeah, that's true. That's definitely true, that is a good point well made. I'm proud of you sister. But did I mention... bananas! Pop." **

Haru flinched back, recoiling against Baron's shoulder.

"That's not okay. No... No, aw, come on! COME ON! He had asked her to be the next companion! You can't do that – you can't..." Haru clenched her eyes shut and gingerly rubbed at her face.

"Are you sure you don't need a cup of tea?" Baron whispered.

"**What, you think I would give up the Doctor?" Clara demanded. "Don't be daft. I would never, ever, give up the Doctor. Because he is my best friend too."**

"Oh, heavens above, now we've got Clara and Danny's reunion," the brunette whimpered. "Tea's not going to be enough for this. Not even your special blend. This needs ice cream."

"**He is the closest person to me in this whole world. He is the man I will always forgive, always trust, the one man I would never, ever lie to." **

**At Clara's words, the Cyberman raises his gun towards her head. The arm shakes.**

"Do you want that ice cream?" Baron murmured.

"No." Haru's hold on Baron's hand tightened. "I think I just need someone to hug right now."

"Geez, Chicky; I don't know why you're getting so upset."

"Because they're made to be together but everything's so messed up and he's dead and a Cyberman and he died just crossing the street and she's finally found him again but it's so messed up and everything's wrong, and they promised not to lie to each other, but Clara kept lying and lying about the Doctor and everything else, and now she's just gone and said that and how is your heart not breaking, you soulless monster?"

"Obviously it's because I'm a soulless monster."

"**It's an inhibitor. I need you to switch it on," Danny tells Clara.**

"**What does it inhibit?"**

"**Emotion. It deletes emotion. Please. I don't want to feel like this."**

"It's official. Moffat hates us and he hates happy endings. WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS?" Haru ranted at the screen. "Do you feast on the broken hearts of your fans or something? Is that it? Is that why you keep doing this to us?"

Hiromi prodded Haru. "Hey, Missy and the Doctor are back."

"I don't care."

"You're going to."

"**Cause she's perfect, innit? The control freak and the man who should never be controlled," Missy teases. "You'd go to hell, if she asked. And she would."**

"I don't know how I feel about this whole episode."

"**Now that's the sound of your chain being yanked. Heel, Doctor!"**

"Yes, you do," Hiromi corrects. "Broken."

"Ah, yes; that's it. That's how I feel."

**Missy destroys part of the plane and Kate Stewart is dragged out, falling to her death.**

"**Why did you do that? You didn't have to do that!" the Doctor rages.**

"Agreed!" Haru vented. "Could Moffat stop, you know, just killing everyone? I know 'death' is in the title, but it's just a title, not a challenge! Oh, great, and now he's even trying to kill the Doctor."

"**Permission to squeeee..." **

**Missy promptly kills the AI interface.**

"Okay, he's not even real, but still..."

"Hey, the pizza's here!"

"Get it yourself then, fatso!" Toto shouted. "You're nearest."

"Why don't you?" Muta retorted. "Or are you actually watching this rubbish?"

"**Clara, watch this," Danny tells Clara. "This is who the Doctor is. Watch the blood-soaked old general in action."**

"It's... not bad," Toto admitted after a long pause. "I could maybe watch a few more... to, you know, understand what all the hype is about." He looked to the two women. "It is a little weird though."

"We need to start you at least with the Ninth Doctor," Hiromi said. "You need to go through the Russell T. Davies era first to fully appreciate the series. People don't appreciate Christopher Eccelson, but he's a fantastic Doctor. I think you would like him."

**Clara stands before Danny, the sonic screwdriver raised to re-boot the inhibitor. "I wasn't very good at it..." she whispers, "but I did love you."**

"**I love you too," he replies.**

"**I'm never going to say that again."**

"**Me neither."**

Haru buries her head into Baron's shoulder. "I think I need some duct tape. They say it fixes everything, so maybe it can fix my heart."

"**Ready?" Clara asks.**

"**Yeah."**

**She sobs. "I feel like I'm killing you," she manages to splutter. **

**He scoffs weakly. "I'm already dead. You're here this time at least."**

"**Goodbye, Danny."**

"**Goodbye, Clara."**

**The sonic screwdriver whirrs, and the inhibitor takes over. **

Baron hugged Haru, frowning a little as he watched the scene play out. He looked to Hiromi. "Is Doctor Who usually this... dark?"

"This is the finale," she reminded him. "But, Moffat does like his harrowing stories, and the Twelfth Doctor does have a much grittier atmosphere than the other recent Doctors." She looked him up and down. "I think you'd like the Tenth Doctor."

"Why?"

"Because he's optimistic and charming and improvises all the time. Remind you of anyone?"

**With the Cybermen under the Doctor's control now, Missy curtsies to the other Time Lord. "Go on, crack a smile. I want to see if your eyebrows drop off."**

"I'm even more confused now," Toto muttered. "What just happened?"

"You sound like the entire fandom."

"**All this, just to give me an army?" the Doctor asks.**

"**Well, I don't need one, do I? Armies are for people who think they're right," Missy trills. "And nobody thinks they're righter than you!" The Doctor tries to pry the bracelet off, but Missy intercedes. "Give a good man firepower, and he'll never run out of people to kill."**

"**I don't want an army," he protests.**

"**Well, that's the trouble!" Missy shouts. "Yes, you do! You've always wanted one!"**

"Hey, gormless idiots, the pizza's getting cold over here!"

"Eat it yourself!" Hiromi shouted back. "We're watching Doctor Who here!"

"And it's really getting good," Haru added.

"It's going to get better."

"How?"

"I'm not telling."

"Are we going to get a speech?" Haru couldn't help herself – she gave a little squeal. "We're going to get a speech, aren't we? Yes! Yes – we've got the speech music coming on – come on, Moffat, make it good!"

"**I am not a good man!" the Doctor shouts. He spins around to Missy, grinning, while triumphant music rolls up in the background. "And I'm not a bad man. I am not a hero. And I'm definitely not a president. And, no, I'm not an officer. Do you know what I am?"**

"The Doctor!" Haru shouted.

"**I... am... an idiot–"**

"Or maybe not..."

"–**with a box and a screwdriver. Passing through, helping out, learning. I don't need an army, I never have, because I've got them." He points to Danny and Clara, still together. "Always them. Because love, it's not an emotion... love is a promise. And he will NEVER hurt her."**

Muta dumped one of the pizza boxes down on the table and collapses back on the sofa. "You lot are pathetic."

"Says the guy who went to see Guardians of the Galaxy five times in the cinema," Hiromi scoffed.

"That's different."

"Really? Well, at least let us watch the Doctor Who finale once in peace."

"In peace? You guys haven't shut up since this started. I'm amazed you have any idea what's going on."

"I actually don't," Toto supplied.

"Yeah, but you're a birdbrain."

"At least I'm not a fatso."

**Danny and the other Cybermen fly into the cloud, exploding and setting fire to the sky. The clouds ripple away in bursts of flames, leaving a blue sky overhead. **

"Doesn't that look a little like a previous episode?" Haru asked Hiromi.

"Thank you! I was trying to remember what it reminded me of."

"Was it The Poison Sky?"

"Maybe...? I know it was the one with the Sontarons, and the genius boy, and I'm pretty sure it was a Tenth Doctor episode."

"I can't decide whether Moffat is referencing that episode or whether he's just running out of ideas," Haru said.

"**Old friend, is she?" Clara asks, the death remote pointed to Missy. "If you have ever let this creature live, everything that happened today is on you. All of it, on YOU. And you're not going to let her live again."**

"To be fair," Hiromi said, "the Master has 'died' several times; it's not like he's just let her walk away every time. How was he to know that she didn't actually die?"

"Story logic," Toto answered.

"You hadn't even seen Doctor Who before today."

"I'm right though."

"I'm going to eat all the pizza unless you guys help," Muta interrupted. "I thought you said you wanted this."

"Emotional bit, emotional bit," Haru cried, flapping her hands ineffectually towards the large man. "That must be the [] – wow, Classic Who reference!"

"Yeah, but he just shot off into the sky," Muta grumbled through a mouthful of food – which, now Haru thought about it, was usually how he talked. "And these Cyborgs–"

"Cybermen."

"Nuances. They're killing machines, right? So is that thing just flying around Earth now? Like, what is it doing?"

"Don't ruin a perfect moment!" Hiromi hissed.

Muta snorted and took another slice of pizza.

**A portal is open between Danny and Clara; even in death, he has one last chance for everything ot be okay. "Just one trip," Danny says. "One trip, one person."**

"Uh... I have a bad feeling about this," Haru muttered. She looked to Hiromi. "It's going to be the little boy, isn't it?"

Hiromi choked on her own pizza. "How do you do that?"

"I'm right?"

"Yes!"

"No! No, I don't want to be!" Haru slouched into the sofa again, forgoing the pizza. "You were right. This episode has all the feels."

"**There's something I have to tell you and it's... it's not good news, so just listen, okay?"**

"**I know," the Doctor says.**

**Clara looks up, thoroughly confused. "Sorry?"**

"**I know exactly what you've got to tell me."**

"**You do?"**

"**You and Danny are together now. That's great, that's how it should be."**

"Yes, that IS how it should be," Haru fumed. "But it's not."

"**But the old man and the blue box, that's never going to fit in. So, no more flying around, no more lying."**

**Okay, no, that's not exactly..." Clara starts.**

"**It's fine," the Doctor cuts across. **

"**No, it's NOT fine. It... It really isn't... fine."**

"**I've found Gallifrey!"**

"Is that meant to mean anything to us?" Muta snorted.

"You're not a Whovian."

"Home planet of his species," Haru explained, mostly to Toto and Baron, who were actually watching. "Lost because of... timey-wimey, wibbly-wobbly stuff – we don't really understand it and, anyway, there's no way I can explain it within the next thirty seconds. To put it briefly, it was lost–"

"How can you lose an entire planet?"

"Again, Muta, your side comments aren't appreciated," Hiromi muttered. "I'm not kidding. Did he just put the planet down and forget where he left it?"

"Space is big," Hiromi sighed.

"Really big," Toto added. "You just won't believe how mind-bogglingly big it is."

Haru laughed. "Is that from Hitchhiker's Guide?"

"First lines, I think?" he admitted.

"You're such a geek," Hiromi said.

"Says the devote Whovian." Haru stuck her tongue out at her flatmate. "I've seen the posters in your room and I know for a fact that you can quote most of the Star Wars movies."

"Only the original trio. The other three I can only quote the famous scenes. Oh, and don't get me started on the new and upcoming film."

"We weren't planning to. You brought it up first. And – ooh, mid-credits teaser!"

"**Hello! Doctor! You know it can't end like that!"**

"Hey, that sounds like the fandom knocking," Haru snorted.

"**Hm? We need to get this sorted, and quickly. She's not all right, you know. And neither are you. I'm coming in." The TARDIS doors open. "Ah, there you are. I knew I'd get round to you eventually. Now, stop gawping, and tell me..." Father Christmas stands in the TARDIS, snow seen to be falling outside the open doors. "What do you want for Christmas?"**

**The credits roll.**

"It's official; Father Christmas is a huge Whovian fanboy. I'm making that canon," Hiromi said.

Her flatmate laughed. "As if you're not responsible for enough fanfiction already."

"What can I say? I'm a fangirl."

"And don't we all know it..."

"And my fanfiction is wonderful! Do you even read it?"

"Of course I have," Haru insisted. She caught Baron's gaze, who saw the half-lie in her eyes. "Well, maybe I haven't read them all..." she admitted. "But, come on – I'm not part of all your fandoms! I don't understand them all."

"Uh-huh." Hiromi spun to the others. "So, guys; what do you think? Are you already dying to join the ranks of the Whovians now?"

Toto shrugged. "We could have a movie night, I suppose."

"Sweet! My dad has all the NewWho episodes on DVD, so I'll ask to borrow them!" Hiromi squealed. "You guys are going to love it, I just know! And then we'll actually have new people to obsess over Doctor Who with!"

"However much Hiromi is making us sound like some sort of crazy cult I can, in fact, promise you that we are not," Haru informed her friends flatly. "And, Hiromi, getting back to the actual episode we have just seen – doesn't Missy remind you of Moriarty from Sherlock?"

"Missy reminds me of every Moffat villain," the other woman huffed. "God, she even looks like some of the previous villains! Oh! Sherlock! We need a Sherlock night too! I mean, there's only nine episodes–"

"Two-hour episodes," Haru reminded her. "It's practically nine movies.

"Yeah, but it's still less than all the NewWho episodes. Plus, Benedict Cumberbatch..."

"We're not rabid fangirls," Muta muttered.

"You don't have to be to appreciate the amusingness that is Benedict Cumberbatch," Hiromi argued. "He's an amazing actor – Sherlock Holmes is a pretty difficult character to pull off well and now he basically IS Sherlock to the fandom. Actually, talking of other shows... what time is it?"

"It's coming up to eight," Baron said.

"Great! Atlantis' second series is starting today, and since we're already here, we might as well just stick around and watch it in your awesome TV instead!"

"I'm never going to get rid of you lot, am I?" Baron asked flatly.

"Nope," Haru said, still leaning against their host. "You're stuck with us."

Baron looked down to the brunette and a smile crossed his face, unbidden. "Well, I think I could live with that. Do you still want ice cream?"

"Nah." Haru tilted her head and grinned impishly to him. "Anyway, I'm comfy now and if you get the ice cream I'll have to move."

"We could always ask Muta to fetch it," Baron offered.

"Why me?!"

"Because you know your way best around Baron's kitchen," Haru yawned.

"Yeah, because he can't get his nose out of the food," Toto snickered.

A piece of pizza went flying across the room. "I'll stuff _your_ nose with this food!"

"Muta, please; not in my apartment."

"He started it!"

"And this is why you guys can't have nice things," Hiromi scoffed.

"We have plenty of nice things," Toto protested.

"Yes, we now have a Wii and Mario Kart and apparently you girls want to come round for a games' night at some point?" Muta asked pointedly.

"Although we are yet to actually set up the machine," Toto added.

"Not that they needed to know that," his flatmate hissed.

A phone rang through the apartment and Haru jolted up. "Is that mine?"

The rest were busy checking their mobiles. "It's not mine."

"Or mine."

"I think I left mine in our flat?"

"Mine is turned off."

Haru was trying to rummage through her bag. "Uh, yeah, it's mine. Sorry – I'm going to dash out for a bit – it's my mother. I'll be back for Atlantis."

"I'm going to pick up my phone," Hiromi said, rising to her feet also. If we're not back in time for Atlantis – fetch us."

"Eh, sure. Are you finished with your pizza?"

"Sure. It's stone-cold now anyway."

"Cold pizza is even better." Muta waited for the two young women to leave before taking a couple of slices and turning to Baron. "So when are ya going to tell her?"

"Tell who what?" Baron, now free of Haru, had risen to turn the kettle back on and make a new batch.

"Haru that you _love_ her," Muta sang, as best as his gruff voice would allow.

There was the sudden clinking of the tea set knocking into the counter. "What?"

"Oh, come ON." The large man guffawed and took another set of slices. "_I think I could live with that, Haru_; just stay here forever and never leave and we'll live in tea heaven for eternity."

"I think you're reading behind the lines a little too much, Muta," Baron said tightly. "We're just friends, that's all."

"Sure..."

"What would you know about love, lardball?" Toto snickered.

"Oh, please, featherbrain; it's not like you're a hit with the ladies either."

"I don't know what you mean, pudding-breath," his flatmate muttered.

"Just so you know, choking on your own words doesn't count as flirting."

"Neither do awkward pick-up lines, fatso."

"At least you admit they're pick-up lines. You can't even get that far."

Haru and Hiromi returned into Baron's apartment, both with phones in hand. Eager to move the conversation away from himself, Baron asked Haru, "So what did your mother want?"

A moment later, he full took stock of the scowl passing her face. "Well, do you remember what I said about the family reunion – actually, you guys won't," Haru said, "but Hiromi will – Hiromi, do you remember when I said about my aunt having a neighbour's son who I should meet up with?"

"Yes. Oh my... Do you have a date now?"

"Apparently."

"Oh, don't be so gloomy! He could be cute."

"He could be a jerk," Haru replied.

"This is why you're still single, Haru. You're so... so negative!"

"Really? And what's your excuse?"

"I could get a date if I wanted. I'm just... keeping you company in Singleton."

"You know, Chicky, you could just avoid this entire thing by saying you're already taken."

"And then what would that achieve? I would have to run round in circles keeping up the pretence of having a boyfriend, and then it would eventually leak out and I'd never be able to show my face in public again."

"Plus, she shouldn't have to say she's taken if she's not interested," Hiromi piped up.

Haru sat back on the sofa, rolling her eyes. "Look, guys, I'll go and I'll see what he's like, you know, to be fair. There's no point making a fuss about it. Who knows? He might be really nice. Let's just start Atlantis before we miss the beginning." She leant against Baron and added sleepily, "Anyway, who would I even pretend to date if I had an imaginary boyfriend?"

Eyes flickering shut, she missed the significant glances between the guys. Baron blushed and looked pointedly away. He pulled forward a blanket draped over the top of the sofa and drew it over the dozing brunette. "What?" he demanded to the onlookers.

"Nothing."

**ooOoo**

**A/N: Okay, I know I said I loved writing this (and I did), but holy heck, I think I broke my heart re-watching that DW episode! I had to pause and rewind over certain parts and after watching Clara and Danny's scenes repeatedly, I think I'll have to borrow that duct tape after Haru. (WHY, MOFFAT, WHY?)**

**(PS: Also, part of me imagines that Hiromi writes covert fluffy fanfiction where she ships Haru and Baron...)**

**Cat. **


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